Greetings Perplexed Pet Pamperers and Pals. The response to the Critter Clairvoyant has been overwhelming and your questions have been flooding in, so without further ado here’s some help.
(Bare in mind that this expert advice would cost you big bucks elsewhere but thanks to the good folks at Gay Chicago Magazine and your friendly neighborhood psychic, it’s free!... for now at least.)
My daughter and I have just returned from a stay at a cottage in Northern Michigan. Our daily routine of feeding the fish and turtles under our dock has left me with the following mystery. When feeding our newly adopted friends servings of Pop Secret Popcorn, Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and Nabisco Animal Crackers they reacted with a violent chew, spit action that could only be compared to biting into any entrée served at a Taco Bell. But when offered the butt end of a Newport Light it was complete and total Crocodile Hunter carnage as they tore into the little nicotine treat. What gives????
Lovin the Newports,
Although your offerings of high-end junk food (are you getting a kick back from all of the product placement?) are a welcome change from the normal algae and bug larva that fish are used to, what you fail to understand about our underwater companions is that they are as susceptible to addiction as the next guy. Powdered heroin would have also been met with much excitement but since smokie treats are even more addicting than schmack, the butts were sweet mother’s milk to these little aqua-junkies.
I’m getting a reading from under the boardwalk. “Will trade a fin job for a square! Will take it in the anal vent for a carton.” See what you started!
Why does the neighborhood cat, Mr. Sid, insist on hanging out at our house when he actually belongs to the hillbillies down the street?
Yankee Halfway House,
Mr. Sid has come to realize that if Jethro and Ellie May aren’t apposed to fixin up some possum, squirrel or road kill fer vittles, he might just find himself on the menu as well. He tells me, “I find that this house has all of the comforts of home. Plus, it gives me a safer feeling to see people with all of their teeth still in place. If I want Jerry Springer I’ll watch TV.”
I share custody of my lab/boxer with my ex. It’s been a great arrangement until recently. My ex has started feeding Irwin a mix of dry and canned food. Well the canned food makes Irwin’s breath really stinky and turns out it is bad for his teeth. We are trying to wean Irwin off the canned but he just won’t eat. What is he thinking? What should we do?
Broken Home,
Irwin, like most children of divorce, is playing you both for everything he can get. He knows that your need to overcompensate is his ticket to spoiling. “While these two suckers are busy feeling guilty, I can pretty much order whatever I want off the menu, ala carte.”
Don’t fall for it when he gives you “the eyes.” He is a dog and will NOT allow himself to starve. You can either apply tough love and take the canned food away cold turkey or do a gradual cutting down of the crap. Dogs will eat poop, vomit and anonymous trash. So believe me, he’ll get back on track faster than you can say Alternate Dispute Resolution.
My cat often comes up to me and presents me with her asshole. Does this mean we’re dating?
Catophile,
Yes, it does.
I was listening to Hay House Radio recently and I noticed that when people call in to talk to psychic Sylvia Browne, they always ask her to tell them the name of their soul guide. Can you tell me if my kitty Nopants has a soul guide? If so, what is the soul guide’s name? Is her soul guide a cat or some other animal guide? Wouldn’t it be confusing for Nopants if the soul guide were a dog or a bird?
Guiding Light,
Spirit guides can be any sentient being. Since the guidance comes on an astral level, there is no confusion. Currently, Nopants’s guide is Joan Crawford. But with Halloween Pride rapidly approaching, Joan will be too busy to continue her duties assisting Nopants. I suggest contacting Cher or Madonna’s agents to see what their schedules look like, as Nopants has asked for them both by name.
My dog is a tramp. If she’s not getting humped she’s doing the humping...and then some! What can you do to help control her overactive sex drive?
After School Special,
I’m getting a strong reading… “I learned it from watching you!” Try leading by example and get thee to a nunnery.
My dog will not stop licking people...she licks your hand, your face, your feet, your arm, your leg. The only thing that will stop her is a belly rub, but as soon as you stop rubbing her belly, she will start licking your hand again. It’s driving me crazy!! Short of taping her mouth shut, what ever can I do??
Suck It,
This is a reaction to blatant displays of oral sex in the home. She wants in on the action. Wait, I’m getting something coming in… “I learned it from watching YOU!” (Dogs can fixate on the same sound bite as much as they fixate on sex!)
She needs something to occupy her mouth to cut down on the licking and redundant smart-ass comments. I suggest getting her a Kong and putting a little peanut butter deep inside the hole. When she starts to apply her generous oral pleasure skills on you or your guests, replace the body parts with the bated toy.
Does my cat hold a grudge against me for having one of his legs amputated?
Captain Obvious,
Here it comes, directly from the cat’s mouth, “Thank you so much for mutilating me. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to be called tri-pod by the other cats. I’m sure that you had my best interest at heart when you turned me into a fucking side show circus freak!”
