I’m mad about Belinda Carlisle, and I don’t care who knows it. She performs so infrequently in this country that, whenever I get the chance to see her, I literally leap (although not as high as the bouncy queen standing in front of me). She’s part of the “Regeneration Tour,” which is a package of five ’80s acts - Naked Eyes, Flock of Seagulls, ABC, Belinda, and Human League. (Missing Persons did a few dates to thunderous disdain.) In addition to a handful of thriving metropolises, this tour has played some of the least popular cities in North America - Trenton, Vienna, Saratoga, and even Guadalajara! Oh, what I’d pay to hear Belinda scream, “Hola Guadalajara - Buenas Noches!” But I had to make do with Hyannis and Boston. Yes, two nights in a row, and I loved every second of it. All of the groups did a great job, but Belinda really stood out, looking a good decade younger than Madonna (who is a day older than her) and sounding, if anything, better than ever.

While I was reliving the ’80s with Babe, Kathy Griffin and Rosie O’Donnell were reliving the ’70s with Cher. O’Donnell made good on her promise to introduce Kathy to the Dark Lady by bringing her to Caesars Palace in Las Vegas for Cher’s show. They were joined by Sharon Gless, which almost sounds like the beginning of a really bad joke: “Sharon Gless, Rosie O’Donnell and Kathy Griffin walk into a Cher concert ... ”

Didya hear? Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DiRossi got married. While the rest of us were seeing retro shows, the DeGener-Rossis tied the knot at their Beverly Hills home with a scant 19 guests in attendance. The couple exchanged Neil Lane rings which DeGeneres bought to balance out the matching Tiffany bands Portia bought in 2005 - two months after the couple started dating. Oh, you kooky lesbians.

I certainly wish him well in his future endeavors, but I didn’t shed a tear when Daniel Feld (nee Feldman) was voted off of Project Runway. He might be a nice guy, but if I heard him talk about his “high-end style” and “exquisite taste” one more time, I was gonna shoot my television. As a consolation prize, he went home to Wesley Nault, who was cut weeks ago. The two have revealed that they are now living together. They’ve even exchanged rings, which appear to have no symbolic meaning - the boys simply thought they were stylish. See - that’s the difference between the gays and the dykes. You women are ready to commit after a month and a half. Us gays? It’s all about accessorizing!

I just saw the most absurd headline in People magazine - “Ricky Martin Welcomes Twin Boys.” My first thought was, “Now I know why the Hamm brothers missed the Olympics.” But I was wrong! Ricky used a surrogate vagina (which, I betcha, he couldn’t identify in a police line-up) and actually had two sons, who were born a month ago. The boys are with Martin full-time as he plans to be a single dad. It just becomes more and more obvious each and every day ...

One of my proofreaders just asked what is it with all these celebrities having twins? Of course, we know that twins are very common during in-vitro fertilization - which explains Ricky, Nancy Grace, and probably J-Lo and Marc Anthony. But what about Brad and Angelina? Could it be they’re not having sex? Hmmm.

Let’s go back to the Olympics for a second. It’s been rumored that Michael Phelps has a beard - as in fellow swimmer and Olympian Amanda Beard (not to be confused with Amanda Bearse, who’s nobody’s beard!). Although many people hint that the two would get on ... wait for it ... swimmingly, Amanda says, “Michael’s like my younger brother”. Phelps, for his part, has repeatedly said that he thinks Cameron Diaz “looks cool.” It’s almost a meeting of the minds.

In one of the strangest turn of events, Phelps will not be featured on a box of Wheaties but, instead, will be featured on specially-marked boxes of Corn Flakes and Frosted Flakes. Is it possible? Are Frosted Flakes now the breakfast of champions?

Another fella fueling the fire is Chris Kattan, who has separated from his wife of eight weeks, Sunshine Tutt. Chris has made it clear that there is no other woman involved - which isn’t all that surprising. His publicist says, “No plans for divorce at this time.” I’m shocked. Shocked! Kattan can afford a publicist?

Chad Allen will be turning up on the small screen/smaller ratings General Hospital: Night Shift. He’ll be playing a love interest for Dr. Kyle Julian, who is played by Adam Grimes. I must say, this whole item baffles me. Does anyone watch this show? Who are these people? Is moving from hereTV to SoapNet a step up or a step down? Maybe it’s a wash. I dunno, but I’m sure Chad will enjoy being seen (that’s for those bitches on my Fan Forum).

In one of the funniest stories circulating this week, Ryan Seacrest is being courted to host the Mr. Gay pageant. So, you know immediately my tail feathers ruffle - not for Ryan, but because now he’s encroaching on my territory. I let out a sigh of relief when I realized he’s been asked to host the Mr. Gay UK pageant. I’m no longer insulted, but I am confused. Apparently, the BBC shows American Idol in England, and Ryan has become a huge hit. Thus far, he’s politely declined the gig, but ask again in about 13 minutes (it’s all about shelf life).

In what sounded like a summer rerun, our “Ask Billy” question is from Troy in Atlanta: “Someone told me one of the new guys in Janice Dickinson’s modeling agency did gay porn. But, didn’t you already report that?”

Janice has gay porn boys coming and going. She’s got more porn stars in her stable than Chi Chi LaRue! The old one was Claudio Martin, who at one time did porn for LaRue under the name Rodrigo de Carlo. Then he hooked up with Janice. Shortly thereafter, he then left Janice to work for her doppelganger, Michael Lucas! Now we have a new model who is gay and deaf - which means he could end up with me. (Didya know? The deaf love me!) Just to make things difficult, his first name is Martin, but he’s appeared on CruiserBoys.com as Pauly. In case that wasn’t enough, he’s appeared on Boyride.com as York! Stop the world, I wanna get off. Speaking of getting off, you can see Martin/ Pauly/York in action at BillyMasters.com.

When Belinda needs a Spanish/English dictionary just to find the Stage Door, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. I really hoped to squeeze in a “Could it be” item, but we simply didn’t have room. No, I will not comment on this stupid Will Smith beating up his boyfriend story, which sounds like a made-up item to me. Next week, we’ll have our “What ever happened to ... ” column, so I have to start investigating some of your favorite people who haven’t been in the public eye in a while (kinda like the folks on the “Regeneration Tour”). Be sure to check out the latest dish at www.BillyMasters.com, and, if you have a candidate, drop me a note at Billy@BillyMasters.com. I promise to get back to you before Daniel and Wesley open a high-end dollar store! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

 

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